Fidel Beauhill, who is 48 years old, specializes as an NLP master coach and a master hypnotherapist. He also served as a consultant for Davina McCall’s series called "My Mum, Your Dad." The separated dad of three from Bristol recently settled into a stable relationship after being in the dating scene for seven years.
Post-divorce dating is an issue that requires further exploration. In contrast to previous eras, we currently have no-fault divorces which make separations simpler, leading to more individuals experiencing this.
dating in later life
Add to this mix the boom in dating applications, the rise of female sexuality, and the narrowing of gender disparities in professional environments, and numerous individuals find themselves puzzled regarding their expected roles.
It's intricate, and it's causing both genders to drift even farther apart. As a dating advisor for men, I'm dedicated to helping contemporary men and women reconnect with each other.
We're past our twenties now—binge drinking and hitting on people randomly isn’t effective anymore. Women aren't interested in being hit on when they're socializing, working out, or at their job. Thus, the solution lies with dating apps. People who claim online dating is pointless simply haven't mastered using them correctly.
Here is all the knowledge I've gained since my personal divorce seven years back.
Avoid using those apps until you've gotten past the breakup.
I was married to my ex-wife for nearly ten years after being together for more than 15 years, and during this time we raised three daughters who are now 24, 21, and 18 years old. We decided to separate in 2018 when romantic feelings diminished, our goals diverged significantly, and avoiding future resentment made us choose parting ways as the better option.
Moving out of the family home to sleep on a mattress at my mom’s place for some time feels disconcerting after recently becoming single. I’m aware that other men have opted to rent studio apartments or live with roommates once more.
However, after a breakup presents a chance to achieve stability in physical health, emotional well-being, and financial matters. During initial meetings, as with every encounter, avoid speaking ill of your former partner or complaining about your separation. Displaying self-pity does not attract others positively. By addressing these issues beforehand, you will enjoy greater success and enjoyment when returning to the dating world. Arrange for counseling sessions or seek out a mentor; dedicate from three to six months to resolving personal challenges prior to engaging with someone fresh romantically.
Steer clear of becoming overly serious, too quickly.
It’s likely that your sexual activity has decreased after some time in a committed relationship. The same thing happened to me. Gaining freedom—especially the liberty to be intimate with different women—seemed incredibly exciting. As expected, I turned to Tinder. However, just a few taps into the app, I came across someone familiar.
my wife’s best mates
"Damn!" I panicked. "I don't want everyone talking about how keen I am to start dating." Even though Bristol is a large city, everyone seems to know each other.
Instead of typical dating apps, I decided to try a website designed for those who are married yet seeking connections elsewhere; what attracted me most was finding someone also valuing privacy. While I'm not advocating for these types of platforms as an ideal solution, they certainly offer new insights. My initial encounter after my divorce took place with a woman who was married to a man capable of providing financially but unable to engage due to health issues, thus giving her consent to seek intimacy outside their relationship. What appealed to me about this arrangement was everyone being upfront without wanting anything serious, making it feel secure enough to enjoy ourselves honestly.
It can be enticing to jump right into messaging numerous women haphazardly (a mistake I've made before), but this quickly becomes overwhelming, necessitating something akin to a "feminine cleanse." Last year, I opted for a voluntary "monk mode" — avoiding all dates, messages, flirtation, and even minimal eye contact, maintaining casual and professional interactions with women for several weeks until I regained clarity regarding my feelings towards them.
Don’t fret about sex
Of course
Men often fret over their capacity to "deliver." It's quite common. Personally, having a Jamaican heritage added another layer of complexity for me. When you're Black, even just perceived as partly so ("a little bit Black," according to what someone once said), there's always the risk of becoming an object of sexual fantasy. There were instances where people suggested that dating someone who is mixed-race seemed less intense compared to being involved with someone entirely Black.
Initially, truthfully, I succumbed to that stereotype because it appeared appealing; however, I also experienced feelings of being exploited and pressured. As an enthusiastic boxer standing over 6 feet tall, there was undue emphasis placed not only on having significant physical attributes but also on possessing remarkable sexual endurance.
Due to my hypnotherapy training, I understood that listening to hypnotherapy recordings could enhance what’s referred to as 'staying power' in this area. These recordings proved effective—now I suggest them to my own clients.
Although not everybody might encounter this issue,
hypnotherapy
It is worthwhile attempting to enhance your self-assurance.
and
performance that will subsequently enhance self-esteem.
Be truthful about not seeking a serious relationship.
Many men fib, claiming they're all-in because they believe that's what women desire to hear. However, their perspective often stems from earlier days when people typically search for "The One." Dating later in life has its own dynamics; the women who catch your interest may well prefer someone lighthearted—a companion who is enjoyable, respectful, and capable of engaging conversations as well as satisfying intimate moments without the children around.
A lot of men are under the impression that women aim to restrict their freedom, yet contemporary divorced women frequently possess independence, own homes, and have careers. These women aren’t looking for someone to be their provider.
Men and women have never been as equally positioned as they are today.
Despite these considerations, biology ensures that males and females still have distinct characteristics. Therefore, even though you might initiate a relationship with an understanding that it should stay casual particularly when sexual activity becomes intense, women naturally become predisposed to develop deeper emotional connections due to increased levels of oxytocin and other bonding-related hormones activated during intercourse. In contrast, men are inherently inclined towards seeking multiple partners for reproduction purposes; hence they often view casual relationships more favorably. Acknowledging such differences could prevent potential heartache down the line. It’s advisable always to communicate your intentions clearly from the outset and periodically reassess sentiments since they can evolve over time.
Getting divorced can be financially burdensome, so think outside the box for date ideas.
If you're short on cash, dates don't need to be extravagant. Propose having a picnic with some wine, or try street food by sampling a starter, main course, and dessert from various stalls rather than opting for pricey restaurant dinners.
Ladies value the effort and consideration put into things. It’s nothing to be ashamed of when stating you recently went through a divorce and are working on managing your finances. The key aspect is having a clear plan for the date and avoiding getting trapped in a negative mindset of being a victim.
Acknowledge that terrible dating experiences are a normal part of the journey.
The aim of the initial date should not necessarily be securing another encounter. View it as an opportunity to determine if
you’d
I'd like to reconnect with her by engaging her in conversation and demonstrating genuine curiosity. Sometimes, after the first few meetings, you might decide against seeing someone again. Once, during our initial encounter over dinner, one of my dates began sharing about having frozen her eggs, which led to her becoming quite upset emotionally. During our following meeting, she presented me with a pamphlet featuring various potential sperm donors, complete with photos not only of the adult males but also images of them as kids. It felt strange—definitely not in a positive sense—to look through those photographs of young boys alongside her. While I empathized with her situation, I also wanted to make sure it wasn't misunderstood; thus, I politely conveyed that I had no intention of being utilized for this purpose. Consequently, we never engaged physically.
Is the man supposed to always pay?
When it comes to splitting costs, I believe a 1-to-3 ratio makes sense (for every time she covers expenses, you take care of them thrice). This approach embodies both kindness and traditional courtesy. Instead of saying "I insist because men should always pay," which could signal to her that you're dismissive and possibly domineering, opt for something like, "Allow me to handle this payment; it will be my delight."
Perhaps on your third or fourth outing together, you could say, "Now it’s your turn—I’ll let you choose where we go—take me someplace special."
The concept of consent has evolved—ensure you stay informed about the latest changes.
Consent is
crucial.
This essentially involves recognizing and honoring someone else's limits at each level of closeness. Mastering this as a skill takes practice. Asking 'Can I kiss you?' directly may deter some women, who typically favor men taking initiative. Witnessing their discomfort after hearing those words taught me something different. Nowadays, stating "I'm about to kiss you—does that work for you?" proves more effective. This approach conveys your intention upfront while ensuring they're comfortable with it.
I've gotten a response of "no" from someone before, which made me chuckle as I replied with “can’t fault me for giving it a shot.”
Currently, we find ourselves in a perplexing era regarding gender dynamics. When it comes to women, they're akin to a dial that needs to be slowly adjusted upwards; there isn’t an immediate "on" button, but once off, it turns instantly.
I strongly suggest having this discussion either during your first or second date to gain a comprehensive understanding of each other's limits in intimate situations. This is an opportunity for you to emphasize that you acknowledge and will honor the principle that "no means no." Additionally, assure them that you won't get upset or petulant if they decide to change their mind later. Make sure they feel secure knowing they can always say no without consequence.
Don't overdo it with the alcohol.
Alcohol can ease social interactions, yet caution is key. At a cocktail lounge, after several drinks, my date asked me to join them at their place for some gin. When they began stripping off their clothing and dancing, it became clear just how intoxicated they were. This made me uncomfortable, fearing potential accusations of sexual misconduct towards an impaired person. Regrettably, I feigned needing the restroom before fleeing the scene out of fear. We've encountered each other awkwardly since then. Dating comes with moments of unease—accept it and carry forward.
Being ghosted is simply a normal part of the process.
"Ghosting" has become quite common nowadays, and I've also fallen into the trap of simply ceasing communication with individuals I interacted with online. We often find ourselves experiencing both sides of this situation. Although I'm not a psychologist, understanding different attachment styles could provide some insight. People may exhibit "anxious," "avoidant," or "secure" attachment behaviors—individuals with secure attachments tend to handle ghosting without much concern. Those who avoid close relationships are more prone to becoming ghosters themselves, whereas anxious types usually feel deeply hurt when left hanging. Navigating dating apps requires emotional resilience. Being ignored doesn’t mean something was wrong; rather, it suggests another person caught their attention instead. Should rejection continue occurring frequently, one might start blaming everyone else involved. However, enhancing your appeal as a potential partner might address these recurring issues better than attributing them solely to external factors.
Finally, looks do matter…
Worrying about how one looks isn’t necessarily superficial. If your fitness level needs improvement—hit the gym. And if you're unsure about which clothing suits you, seek advice from someone with better style sense. There’s no need to spend a fortune; many affordable options work well too. For instance, most of my T-shirts come from Primark—they simply fit me best.
Having a pleasant aroma is crucial, despite my T-shirts possibly being priced at just £4, I invest significantly more in my cologne. Additionally, there’s really no reason for men to neglect grooming "down there," particularly if they desire others to be close to that region. Maintaining well-groomed private parts is simply a matter of respect.
Worried about balding? Shave!
The primary cause for women not being interested in men on these apps isn't related to their appearance; rather, it stems from insufficient effort exerted by the men.
In conclusion, traditionally, men feel compelled to appear preoccupied as an appealing trait. Instead of merely appearing busy, focus on actually staying occupied—enroll in classes, acquire new abilities, and enrich your persona. Even though you may have identified with roles such as husband or father, this is the moment to craft a fresh self-image and explore what truly ignites your passion within you.
Craft the life you desire for yourself, ensuring you're content regardless of whether a woman becomes part of it or not.
As recounted to Susanna Galton
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