We often view grandparenthood as an easier and more joyful experience than raising one's own kids. It holds true that acting as a grandparent lets you engage in enjoyable and celebratory events without compromising your financial stability or enjoying undisturbed rest.
However, there are several ways in which being a grandparent can also introduce stress and heighten any friction with your grown-up kids. Should you wish to foster robust connections and reduce disputes among your grandchildren and their parents, consider avoiding certain pitfalls highlighted by experts, along with steps you might take to mend things after doing something you feel remorseful about.
Presenting presents that parents have not okayed or handing over funds without discussing what’s expected.
It is common for grandparents to spoil their grandchildren with presents, but this act of giving can turn into a point of conflict if you and the child's parents do not see eye-to-eye on what makes an acceptable gift.
Occasionally, grandparents might find themselves in tricky situations when they purchase items for their grandchildren that the parents wouldn’t agree with, are overly pricey, or excessively lavish,
Christopher Hansen
, a certified counselor based in San Antonio, mentioned to .
To prevent issues, it’s best to discuss and approve any planned purchases with parents ahead of time. For instance, "Grandma will take you to the zoo. Afterward, when visiting the gift shop, you may choose one little stuffed animal for her to purchase for you." This sets clear expectations for all involved and shows your regard for parental authority, fostering greater trust.
Issues often emerge related to monetary presents during the process of gift-giving. Regardingfinancial gifts, complications tend to surface quite readily.
cost of child care
It's typical for grandparents to allocate about 27% of their income toward childcare, often by providing direct care or covering expenses like daycare fees and school tuition. However, offering financial assistance can lead to tensions if the funds are utilized contrary to your wishes.
"Specify if there are any expectations associated with the gift," said Robin Kay Stilwell, a licensed marriage and family therapist, to .
"Is this intended as a gift for the adult or child to utilize at their discretion, or do you have specific preferences about how you would like it to be used?" asked Stilwell, who operates practices in Washington, D.C., and Florida, and is also a grandmother herself.
Once more, the most effective method to avoid problems arising later is via upfront clarity in communication. For instance, you could decide to cover 50% of a child’s nursery school fees for two years, keeping in mind that sustaining comparable contributions will not be feasible after the child starts kindergarten.
Not respecting parents’ schedules.
Stilwell emphasized that stopping by unexpectedly is not allowed. He stated that such behavior "implies that your convenience comes first, irrespective of how it disrupts the harmony within the family dynamic." This is especially problematic during meal times, study hours, or when people are winding down for bed.
You should acknowledge just how jam-packed parents' calendars are. "Often, grandparents overlook that their kids juggle jobs and various responsibilities and might not consistently find the time or desire to host grandparents due to sheer exhaustion from managing their personal lives," according to Hansen. As such, visits may occur less frequently or last shorter than desired; however, keep in mind that the depth of shared moments matters more than frequency. Fulfill your role by being present and sticking to any promises made towards spending time with them.
Stilwell pointed out that parents' "main allegiance should now focus on their newly formed family." It can be difficult to view them as independent adults leading their own lives and making choices that may disappoint you but suit them. Try not to label this transition as disloyalty.
Certainly, you would like parents to honor your schedule too—especially if you serve as one of their childcare options. Establishing a routine might prove beneficial if you provide regular childcare services. Additionally, make sure to inform them regarding any consistent obligations you have along with conveying your readiness and availability to immediately attend to the grandchildren should the parents find themselves in an emergency situation.
“Stilwell noted that if grandparents take on caregiving roles without defined boundaries or expectations, it can lead to feelings of resentment.”
Commenting on the parents' approach to raising their children.
It can be difficult to stay silent when you notice parents making obvious errors, yet ensure that if you voice your worries, you still show them respect as authorities.
"The grandparents frequently adopt a distinct parenting method that might contrast with how their adult children raise the grandchildren. Additionally, this approach could differ significantly from what they practiced when raising their own grown-up offspring. Parents as well as grandparents tend to be highly critical and judgmental about each other’s methods. Such differing perspectives can strain relationships within the family, particularly affecting interactions between the grandkids," explained Stilwell.
You might feel disrespected if parents appear to overlook your extensive experience, yet ultimately, they must choose what they believe is best for their family.
Grandparents often assume that their kids' beliefs and parenting approaches align with theirs, but this isn't always true," Hansen stated. "It's important to communicate and understand their feelings on various topics related to raising their children so as to avoid grandparental overshooting.
It proves useful to discuss aspects such as house rules and disciplinary actions ahead of time. Having clear expectations can help avoid conflicts down the road.
Special care should be taken with in-law connections, especially when dealing with divorces.
“Generally speaking, it’s best to refrain from critiquing your child’s spouse or partner, either outright or subtly, even when they are the ones expressing grievances or making negative remarks,” Stilwell advised.
Not respecting boundaries.
Hansen mentioned that going against the wishes and authority of the parents," is "another scenario where grandparents often face difficulties.
When dealing with issues like gift-giving or setting household rules, "if adult children believe that their parental 'guidelines' or routines are being disregarded or contradicted, this could affect various parts of their connection, such as trust," according to Stilwell.
To be involved in your grandchildren's lives, you'll have to do so under conditions that both you and their parents can accept.
"Conversing with each other is always the best method to grasp what is acceptable and what isn’t," Hansen stated.
The more robust your connection and dialogue are with your grown-up offspring, the lesser the chance you'll encounter disputes regarding the upbringing of your grandchildren.
"Discussing with them and understanding their feelings on various topics related to their grandchild can greatly help ensure that grandparents do not overstep," Hansen stated.
Failing to address problems when they come up.
Certainly, taking care of children can be complex, frequently necessitating quick decision-making one after another. There may come a time when you end up doing something contrary to what the parents desire. The way you address this situation will shape the dynamics of your ongoing relationship with them.
Hansen stated, “A genuine apology is a great beginning. Seeking reconciliation with your grandchildren or children does not indicate frailty; instead, it shows both parties that even grandparents err and are fallible humans.”
As with any
repair
When addressing the issue, ensure you recognize the other individual's emotions, accept accountability for what you've done, and propose a commitment—or maybe even an outline—to prevent similar mistakes from happening again. For instance, you could mention, "In the future, I'll use a timer to alert everyone whenever it’s time to switch off the iPad."
Even though you might not see your actions as a mistake, "It’s possible to recognize that your intentions were good and commit to working on respecting their identity and understanding their needs," Stilwell pointed out.
It may require time and practice for everybody to get at ease with your new role as a grandparent. Be kind to yourself as well.
As a newly minted grandfather, I have personally committed every mistake I've described," Hansen stated. "It's simple to overlook that our children are now parents themselves and possess their own set of beliefs, guidelines, and preferences for how they wish to handle situations.
Demonstrating respect for your grown children's time and their parenting authority can strengthen your bond as the cherished and reliable grandma or grandpa.
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